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The Fear That Shapes Us: Understanding the Legacy of Abandonment
The echoes of abandonment can still be heard in later life
The deepest wounds often come through our lives in unexpected ways. Early experiences of abandonment can create patterns that last a long time, influencing not just our relationships with others but, more profoundly, our relationship with ourselves. (It can seem minor in retrospect but not in its presumptive consequences. This was true in my case.)
The following observations come from my own early experiences with parental abandonment. The incident was minor but impactful: abandonment in the desert for a lengthy period at seven years old on a family camping trip.
Fear of Survival
At its core, the fear of abandonment is a primal fear of survival. When a mother threatens to abandon a child, she implants a devastating message: “You get out of line, I will abandon you forever.”
This early trauma creates a web of defensive behaviors that, ironically, can lead to self-abandonment — a person turning against themselves the very weapon that once wounded them.
In my case, it led to a depreciation in self-confidence and a fear of people.